remember me.

sometimes movies are just movies. they are entertaining for 2 hours, then they are over and you get up and walk out of the theater... but every once in awhile one comes along that you just can't walk away from. upon my recent (although it's getting less and less recent everyday, i might need to start using a different descriptive word and that saddens me - but that's another blog) return from Uganda, a dear friend had just watched War/Dance and suggested i watch it. the movie, filmed in 2005 follows 3 kids from the town of Patongo, a displacement camp in Northern Uganda to the National Music Competition in Kampala. the town was/is under 24/7 military protection from the rebels of the LRA. (if you are unfamiliar with the LRA - you should familiarize yourself right now... it's ok. i'll wait.)

...so now that you know what we're dealing with here. you thought the stuff you read on Wikipedia was terrifying, just watch this movie. it will tear your heart to pieces... not because of the sadness and heartache these kids and so many kids like them dealt/deal with everyday, but their hope and promise of a brighter future. when i wrote about Hotel Rwanda, i had never been to Africa. now that i have, i don't just see these faces of kids on the screen... i've looked into their eyes, i've felt their embrace and spoken with them, which made this movie be all too real for me. they were so inspiring with their dreams of becoming more than what was expected of them. not even living in a war torn camp crushed their hope. if we all could be so strong and brave. did the kids i met (who were equally strong and brave) have these same conflicts as the kids in Northern Uganda, no... but they each have their own story with struggles too.

we all do. we all have a story. we aren't just nameless faces... and kids from around the world sure as hell aren't nameless either. that's what we all have to remember... just like each of us, fighting our own demons, they are too - except one major difference... we have the resources to deal with and eradicate them. if you look in the mirror and think about your "problems" compared to the problems of less fortunate people (here in the US and the world), you might begin to realize your demons, aren't so scary after all. 

http://www.wardancethemovie.com/

"this country [world] will not be a good place for any of us to live in unless we make it a good place for ALL of us to live in." Theodore Roosevelt 

hugs and hope.

Well I've taken my last malaria pill; washed my clothes in hot water and dried them… in a dryer; had a beer and got hit on by a creepy old white dude downtown Friday night… so I guess that means, I’m officially home.

I've gotten a lot of questions about Uganda since I've been home, mainly did I ever not feel safe and how was the food… the answers are no, I never felt unsafe (it was the exact opposite actually, I always felt welcome) and the food was delicious. People had definitely told me some stories about getting sick when traveling to such destinations, but my body welcomed the matooke, rice and chapatti’s with open arms. Oh, chapatti’s, where have you been all my life? (They are basically big, thick, chewy crepes and are oh so delicious!) Think about the NYC street food vendors and multiple that by a 1,000, that’s Uganda… except without all the sanitation rules and regulations. Most were only lit by a candle at night. But I loved it and it wasn't until I started eating Western food again, that my body was not a happy camper. (I’m not considering this TMI (Too Much Information) since so many people asked about it and wanted to know if I would have a horror story about food, sorry folks, I do not have one.)

I’m having a hard time adjusting back, not just with the food, but with everything. Even going out to dinner with the Fruitcakes and having a glass of wine. Or being downtown and drinking a beer, listening to crappy music or even going to see a movie. Seems like normal things to do because I used to do it all the time and I enjoyed it, those are some of my favorite things to do (minus the crappy music part) but now it’s just… different. Everything here is so easy, so comfortable… so clean. Partly because this is my home, it should be easy and comfortable. I know where I’m going, I know how things work. So I guess the biggest part of me that has changed (and a lot of me has forever been changed) is perspective. I always knew of the abundance of the Western world, but now, it’s like I look at every single thing and think what a luxury this is or what a waste that is. I've found myself people watching (sorry, if you catch me staring at you, I’m not creepy, I’m just observing.) So I might be going blind from all the eye rolling I've been doing and decided rather than yell at people and slap them in the face for being selfish and taking things for granted (for many reasons, mostly lawsuits) that I will just kill them with kindness and show them how to be a decent human being.

With that said, I already had a low tolerance but now I have exactly NO tolerance for laziness; whining for superficial things you don’t have; and selfish abundance. Do you have to walk down the street to fetch water and carry jerry can’s full of water back to your house every day? No? Then I don’t want to hear you complain about how it’s “super inconvenient” that your water is off for a few hours while repairs on being done to be sure this doesn't happen in the future. (You can tell I work in Property Management, people complain about everything… Every. Little. Thing.) “Deep breath, Allison. Kill them with kindness, kill them with kindness. Don’t get yourself fired.”

Although, there are more differences in the two countries, Uganda has a lot of similarities to the States. There are a lot of small businesses; they have extremely talented musicians; they have shopping malls (albeit not as grand and unnecessary as the ones here); banks and ATM's (spent a lot of time there); and everyone has a cell phone. But the differences are way different, not everyone has electricity and  the aforementioned running water, much less hot water; there are few paved roads and virtually no street signs (which kept me constantly lost the entire time); time is of no importance there (which was somewhat refreshing compared to the rat race that is this country operates on.) Another huge difference, was one of the most impressive things about the people of Uganda is that they know and speak so many languages. English, Luganda, Swahili, Arabic, German, other local African dialects… even the kids, especially the kids! I don’t think I met anyone that didn't at least speak 3 languages. I was amazed! Because here in the States, we speak English and tell everyone else they must too. People bitch about having to hear a Spanish option when calling a company. Duh! We are a nation of immigrants; we should know more than one language. When I was talking a friend about how many languages everyone speaks, he told me that they have to speak them, so they can communicate not only with other African, but the world. Wow! What a concept America… having communication with the outside world because *News Flash*, the world doesn't revolve around us.

Another amazing thing, the country is full of Christians and Muslims and you know what, they get along just fine. They are friends and I hung around both of them, together.  Everyone was respectful of their differences. There’s another one for you America… respecting others despite your differences. We should try it sometime. It actually makes life enjoyable. Just imagine liking (and disliking) people for who they are, for their personality or moral compass, not for who or what they choose to believe in. Now, I know a lot of people in this country have “issues” with Muslims (even the guy at US Customs when he asked if I was training at a terrorist camp while in Uganda) because of 9/11 and no matter what I say, I will not change their minds because they are so closed, but Muslims are not responsible for 9/11… terrorist extremists are.  And (this is probably going to upset a lot of people) but extremists of all kinds (yes, conservatives and liberals) are just as detrimental to this country as those terrorist extremists.

Anyone that knows anything about me, knows how I would feel about not only the Ugandan government, but all government’s, especially regarding women’s rights and gay rights, so I will not step on my soapbox (I hear your sighs of relief!) …except the next time you are bitching about the US government and what they do and mainly don’t do these days… just remember at least you have the freedom to. We have rules and regulations to protect us and keep us safe so that we may live long and prosper. They are there for a reason, but don’t think for one minute that we would be better off without them, we wouldn't be. That’s what makes this country, this country and not any other. That’s what made this country successful. Is it perfect? Not by a long shot, but it’s a whole helluva lot better than most. You should wake up every day thankful. We have government programs that support our poor and underprivileged and so that we don’t have hundreds of kids sleeping on the streets at night, hustling during the day, getting beat by the police and then imprisoned in a children’s jail. Because that is the reality in Kisenyi, Uganda.

I didn't mean for this to be a US bitch-fest, this is a great country, no doubt about that, I just wish we were as great as others except us to be. I wish it was as great as the kids in Uganda imagine it to be.  My life has been changed and my outlook on life is forever altered. I’m not going to pretend I’m not trying to change the world, but the world just changed me first.

And I’m also not going to lie that I had the hardest day in my whole life while I was there, being in such a different environment completely out of my comfort zone and around anything or anyone familiar, is a very humbling experience… and I recommend everyone doing it. The kids and the people welcomed me with open arms and trust, and I did the same. I met some amazing kids, and it breaks my heart that the world will not know of them or their talents and dreams due to their circumstances. It’s not like the Sally Struthers commercials to help the sad, sad children. These children were happy, happy with so little and so appreciative of every single thing I had brought for them. These kids don’t take anything for granted. I tried to hug them as much as possible, hugs go a long way. Especially to those who don’t get them every day. They taught me more than I taught them. I often felt like I need their hugs more than they needed mine. And as I was crying like a baby (as Umaru kept saying) as him, Dagalous, Big Cathy and Aisha were hugging  me and holding my hand as I was saying goodbye to them after the wedding, I think it was pretty obvious what the kids mean to me. In fact, that is one of the best times I had there, dancing and laughing with kids at the wedding. We had a great time!

The kids are in good hands, Patrick, who founded Raising Up Hope (http://raisinguphope.org/), a street kid himself, along with his sister, Allen were to be adopted by an American lady after she had met him on the street… the very streets of Kisenyi.  So with passports in hand, ready to whisk them away to the glorious United States of America, Patrick decided to stay and help the other street kids. He said he just couldn't leave the other kids, they needed help. He was 12 when he made that decision. 12! He is an amazing man, always with a great attitude; his laughter and excitement are contagious. And spending just one minute with him, you can’t help but be inspired. He’s the hardest working man I have ever met… and all of that hard work is directly for these children (and for William and Esther’s wedding.) He gave up his dreams and a cushy American life; to be sure kids like him would have a chance too. If that doesn't tell you what kind of strength, courage and hope Uganda has, I don’t know what will.

A lot of the kids said it would be a dream come true to come to the States… and I wish I could have brought them all back with me. They would love it here, I know they would. But then again I think how in the land of abundance, that stuff doesn't make you happy; in fact, I think stuff makes us turn in a-holes. The more we have, the more we want because we see everyone else having it. That’s the stupidest thing I've ever heard. How does that make you happy? You know what makes you happy? The relationships you have with people, your family and friends. Laughing. Smiling. Hugs. Kisses. Unexpected warm, sunny days.  Thunderstorms. Those things make you happy and guess what; they don’t cost one cent… or shilling. Stuff only makes us think we are happy, because we are brain washed into thinking it does. If you believe in heaven and the pearly gates, when you get there, God is not going to ask you how much stuff you had… he’s going to ask (er, I guess he should already know) what kind of person were you? Were you kind? Were you generous? Were you selfless? Because it’s the type of person you are that matters… and all the stuff and all the money in all the world will not change you into a better person, only you can do that. I noticed a lot (okay, most everyone) getting by on so much less and being happier than most Americans and I’m convinced that it’s a better way of life… minus the whole running water, constant electricity thing. That does make everyday life much easier, but it can be lived without as I saw first hand.

Although, the kids are happy (or seemed happy to me – I don’t think they get depressed like American kids, because they don’t have much, never had much, so they don’t have much to miss – insert my comments about stuff again) it still takes a lot to take care of them. They get 2 meals a day for the most part, but there’s no variety; matooke (mashed green bananas), rice, poshe (which is just cornstarch and water) and occasionally some fish, meat or Irish potatoes. They loved candy! …I mean, who doesn't? Shoes had to be bought so that they all could attend the wedding… even shoes for them is a luxury.  They have a TV in the house, it’s fuzzy most of the time though. They are geniuses though. They make their own toys, well partly because if they want toys, they have to make them. My favorite was a little man out of tin foil (not sure if his name was Tim or related to Tina – sorry folks, only like 4 people are going to get that reference, but I had to say it) and attached a parachute (made from a plastic bag) to him with string and climbed up the tree and let them float to the ground. It was like something kids here would pay $20 bucks for and play with only once. But they had the best time, making it and playing with it… and I had the best time just being a small part of that enjoyment.

But Patrick is not the only one taking care of the kids, Thursday lunches, the purchase of the shoes, an entire house at the Village of Hope and thousands of other things (like paying for the kids to go swimming; a visit to the clinic for Mark who had malaria) was due to another amazing individual Kathy and her organization Desana (http://desanagiving.org/) and I’m actually shocked this is the first time I've brought her up because I owe her everything as my trip to Uganda would not have been possible, enjoyable or memorable without her. I could write another novella on just her and how we became fast friends and how strong and amazing she is for overcoming great obstacles in her own life to now be living in Uganda, giving every day to these kids and being a beckon of light and hope for them. They absolutely love Auntie Kathy and so do I. She showed me the ropes, helped and guided me so much, I’m forever grateful for her kindness, friendship and strength… and for introducing to me too some pretty amazing new friends too!

I could write all day about what’s in my head about Uganda and how it changed me and all the fascinating things I saw, people I met, and how I miss it all, but it’s really not about me. In the Village of Hope (land that was just purchased to build 4 houses for the kids; 8 in each house with one house mother so that they can get the attention they need) they are about $1,000 short of being able to complete just the first house. The cost of one house is $16,000… they are so close, so I made a promise that when I got back, I would try to help them. When Patrick first told me that it was just $16,000 to build a house, I thought, whoa, that’s it? Then he said to me, “That’s a lot of money, right?” And then, I thought… well yes.  Yes it is. A little goes a long way there! So if you ever want to do some good and pay it forward, (maybe instead of buying more stuff that you really don’t need) please know if you donate to Raising Up Hope and Desana, that truly 100% of the funds you donate go directly to the kids and to the projects to better their lives. I've seen it first hand, people. These are amazing people doing extraordinary work for some pretty awesome kids.

One thing Kathy said she struggles with every day is not being able to help every child in need. And for every smiling face, there was a disappointed face… or two. But she and Patrick are making a huge difference in the kids’ lives that they can help.  And the more people that understand that the world doesn't begin and end in the US, the more kids that can be helped. There are enough resources in this world for poverty in Africa (and even here in the US) just not to be.  So upon my return, I’m back to hearing how we have a socialist society, where we want to “spread the wealth to people who don’t work for it,” I’m even more infuriated at the selfishness of some of the people in this country… and I’m reminded that I can’t change someone’s mind, whose mind doesn't want to be challenged. I'm reminded that people have to struggle in every country to provide for their families. But I’m also reminded of the good in this country and selfless people like Kathy who chose to live in a less comfortable place, so that she can help these kids. I’m reminded of the organizations like One.org, whose efforts are leading to ending extreme poverty. I’m reminded of my friends and family who no matter how small gave me something to give the kids, which bought them much happiness both for them and the kids… and I’m reminded of a belief held by Anne Frank;  that despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart. We all need to be the change we wish to see in the world... it’s the only hope we have.

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways and no meassge could have been any clearer. If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a change." Man In The Mirror, MJ 

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

hotel america

i watched 2004's Hotel Rwanda last night and i would say that i don't know why it took me so long to watch it, but i do know...

the movie (a true story) chronicles the 1994 the genocide of the Tutsi people by the Hutu militia and a hotel manager (Paul Rusesabagina) that houses and saves over 1,000 Tutsi refugees. it was an amazing, inspirational movie and if you have not seen it, you should! it is not for the faint of heart, though.

the most overwhelmingly emotional scene for me was actually not the horrendous and merciless slaughtering of the Rwandan men, women and children by other Rwandans with cheap, Chinese made machetes or the poor and pitiful conditions the refugees had to incur. but instead, it is a conversation between Paul (amazingly played by Don Cheadle) and Jack, an American journalist (played by Joaquin Phoenix), staying at the hotel, covering the story of the refugees. against strict instruction, Jack goes outside the comforts and security of the hotel to shoot "the real footage" as he called it, of what was really going on in the country. 

Paul, although horrified at the footage he saw, was thankful to Jack that the world was going to be able to see what was happening... because when they see it, they will come to the aid of the refugees and the country. Jack then asks Paul, 'what happens if the world doesn't come to help?' seemingly stunned at his question, Paul replies with 'but they have too. how could they not?' Jack earnestly replies with 'they are going to see the footage, pause and say yes, it's horrible. then they are going to go back to eating their dinner.' a truer statement might never have been spoken. 

when the shit really starting to hit the fan, the rich, white families (both American and European) staying at the 4-star hotel were evacuated by the UN, leaving the native Rwandans behind. as Jack was walking out to the UN bus leaving the battered and torn country, in the midst of the chaos and incoming refugees, he simply said, 'i feel so ashamed.' ...and i was too. 

which brings me to why it took me 9 years to watch this movie... i was one of those people watching the television,  feeling sad for the people and then going back to eating my dinner... and i am not the person anymore and i never will be again. 

we live in a free country full of luxury and abundance! do we have our problems?  yes! yes, we do. unfortunately, some of the problems are just human and biological nature that needs to be tamed. but most of our problems, are unintentionally, intentionally created by us, the citizens of this great country. the current political news story is that the GOP (who has their share of testosterone filled pale faces) are saying that Obama's new cabinet is not diverse enough. seriously, that's a problem? because last time i checked, hiring a person for a job was a good thing, not a problem. and who the hell cares that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having baby? i'm ashamed, i even know that actually. there are so many more things, a million times more important things, to fill your brain with.

like for instance, do you know what the biggest luxury we have in this country? we can lay our heads down at night without fear. it's that simple. we never have to fear that the atrocities that happened in Rwanda and continue to happen in other countries around the world, will happen here. there are millions of souls out there... that will never, never know that feeling. we are so lucky, in our part of the world, here in the States, to have a government and military (of all races, genders, religions and sexual orientation) protecting us and keeping us safe and secure.

it is so incredibly easy to take our freedoms and luxuries for granted, but you shouldn't, not even for one moment. your 'problems.' our 'problems,' relatively speaking, aren't problems at all... they're merely minor inconveniences and circumstances that should not carry a second thought. 

"happiest are the people who give most happiness to others." 

the man in the mirror.

Wow! The times are a changing. This country... and this world. And I absolutely love that we are amidst a revolution!  You have two choices here:  bitch and call each other names and get stuck in the past with your closed mind (which honestly, is this exact thinking that is setting our country back) OR accept, evolve and adapt with the changes (that you can not deny, are actually happening right now!) and help make this world a better, equal  and happier place for everyone, of every nation.

I’m proud to be an American and of the citizens of this great country of love and opportunity.  I’m proud of our President and that I voted and supported him. I wish everyone woke up this morning feeling what I did, but sadly that was not the case. The country is back headed in the right direction. Half of you don’t think so, but it is. I hope one day, you will see that. This was way more than a political fight, and that too, I hope you will one day understand.

It's not just because Obama is the President, like he said in his acceptance speech, the fight is not over. The fight still belongs to us, the people. We’ve spent way too much time and energy campaigning for one man to change the country, but not one man can… nor could he ever. He has an open mind. He has compassion. He knows of the struggles and discrimination's so many people face. He can lead us and he can push us,  but he can’t make us.

The young people, women and minorities won this election and they (we) are the future of this country. One day it’s not going to be a big deal that there is an all-woman political delegation or that a Senator or Representative is gay or Hispanic or disabled… because it’s just the way it is, and should be. Celebrate our differences, but accept them first.

We have to fix our minds and our hearts before we can fix anything else… because at the end of your life, I guarantee you are not going to be thinking about how many taxes you or anyone else paid.  You’re not going to be thinking about two men getting married or who is smoking what and where. You’re going to be thinking about your quality of life, and how you chose to live it. You’re going to regret the things you didn’t do or say and wonder if you did enough to carry you on, to wherever you believe your soul is going to go after your body takes its last breathe.

So I'm asking everyone, and telling (actually screaming at) myself, what Gandhi asked of us all - be the change you wish to see in the world.

 

"far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. i may not reach them, but i can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow where they lead." -louisa may alcott

happy birthday 19th amendment (2012 version)

I just wanted to remind the women of this country when you are at the polls and you are voting against marriage equality, just think about how hard and vigilant the women before you fought for 41 years (did you hear me? 41 YEARS!) to give YOU equal rights and YOU the right to even have that vote. It seemed like a crazy, liberal idea 92 years ago and was rejected for 41 years before it was ratified as the 19th Amendment to our Constitution in August 1920. I hope this fight doesn’t take as long, but I do think our future generations are going to look back on this and be flabbergasted that we even had to have this discussion, just as I am now. We are all humans first and foremost, everything else is secondary… we all deserve the same individual rights regardless of sex, race, religion, social class and sexual orientation. It’s what you do with those rights that determine the kind of person you are and the life you shall live.

“A closed mind is a beautiful thing to lose.”

you live, you learn.

watching My So-Called Life 18 years after it originally aired and the only time i've ever seen it, makes me realize just how much this single season turned cult classic show shaped my life. not only in 1994, when i too was a sophomore in high school, but i can completely see how it shapes my life even now. the gay best friend, the dying of my hair crazy colors, the lusting after and wanting to fix a broken bad boy (albeit, i'm over this phase, thank goodness)... and especially the brooding-melodramatic-always-in-my-head-daydreaming-hopeful, but never satisfied self.

i think i'm so attached, not only because i can see all the similarities between Angela and myself (side note: Claire Danes who plays the main character, Angela... also an Aries and if there's ever a movie made about my life, she's totally being cast as me) is that around these few years back in the mid-late 90's, is when i grew up. it's like that for everyone. even though we are all so young and high school only last a few years, that age is when we all grow up. just think about in your life, how many times you think about 'when you grew up' or when you starting being 'you.' this is when i started being, i wouldn't say obsessed, but intrigued with people that were different than me. this is when i decided i didn't... i couldn't stay in a bubble anymore. there was just too much out there to learn. how could i know who i was if i didn't know about all the different ways of life?  i wanted to be around people who could teach me something i had no idea about. weather it was a different race, culture, religion, music, movies and even sexuality.

this show especially makes me miss the good ole grunge days. i miss wearing my flannels and listening to Alanis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill, Nirvana's Nevermind and being the first one to get Green Day's Dookie album (the first CD i ever bought.) i can go buy a flannel, put it on and listen to all those albums on my iPod, so i guess what i'm really missing is just the feeling of that time, being carefree. you had the promise of your whole life in front of you, you could have been anything you wanted to be. man, what great feeling! which also makes me think as i'm streaming My So-Called Life on Netflix on my wireless Blu-ray player on my flat screen HD television, when in 1994, i was still 4 years away from getting my first cell phone (it didn't flip and most definitely wasn't smart)... i realize, even though technology has drastically changed... life really hasn't changed at all.

"it's never too late to be what you might have been."

the tide always turns.

We live in a beautiful, free and proud country and from sea to shining sea and there are a wondrous number of examples of opportunity, kindness, generosity and love. But you can’t have the good without having the bad. Yes, even in this great country, we still have poverty, hatred, violence and inequality… but we also possess the power to change these injustices… it’s called voting.

Now I could step onto my soapbox about how it’s a privilege to be able to have a free and open democracy and have the right to vote… but that is not going to change anyone’s mind. You either have the passion or you don’t. You can’t make someone be passionate about something they are not. You can try to educate them, but that’s not going to make them passionate. It’s just going to annoy them. That’s like trying to make someone love you, when they are clearly just trying to break up with you in the nicest way possible. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

This country is divided and gets more divided everyday, especially since it’s election season. We are going down a sad and dark path, but how do we stop it? Can we even stop it? In our country’s young life, we have faced and overcome many challenges and adversities. Just open up a US history book, but even that has been tainted nowadays. We’ve seen the best in people and we’ve seen the worst in people… and we will continue to, that my friends… will never change. But like most everything else in this world, we will evolve and this too shall pass.

It’s most certainly not going to happen overnight, maybe not even in this decade or in your lifetime, and it’s probably not going to be pretty (changing the world usually isn’t) but educate yourself – don’t let others make your opinions for you. When it’s over, we will leave this country and world a better, stronger, braver place… for the next fight.

“Anger is like holding on to a hot coal with the intent to throw it. You’re the only one that gets burned.”

...oh, and for the record I do not believe marriage should define you as a person or your rights, just as the government should not define love.

shhh! don't say the 's' word.

I think some (ok, to be honest I think it’s more than some, I think it’s most) people let marriage define them, like they won some contest in life if they get married and have a family. But if you really think about it, it’s an illogical and fair fetched ideal.

In all the billions of people on earth, you expect me to believe that each person that gets married, finds “the one” person that is the ying to their yang. The odds are completely are against us. There are billions of people in the world… how do people think they will find the “one” in the same city as they live in or the same profession or the same college? I’m no statistician, but I can tell you the odds of that happening should be as likely as you winning the Power Ball… twice… in the same month.

But it’s not hard to see in the world we live in with 55 hour marriages to 72 day marriages to Tiger Woods and Jesse James cheating on their wives with hundreds of woman, that not everyone getting married is finding “the one.” So why are they getting married? Yeah, I know… I don’t know either?

Do I think there is someone for everyone… yes. Do I think that everyone is lucky enough to meet that someone in their lifetime… no. Do I think I’m one of those unlucky ones… yes. But the thing is, I don’t feel unlucky… it’s just not for me.

I have been single almost my entire adult life. So here I am after my latest failed romantic endeavor, back to square one, except a little wiser and a little more doubtful. Wiser because I finally have realized who I am… actually, I’ve known for longer than I would ever admit, but I suppose now, I’m finally ready to.

So the truth is, I’m too independent and stuck in my ways to ever succumb and settle for less than the “fairy tale” of a relationship that I have conjured up in my head all these years. I have standards and expectations… and I’d rather be alone than settle for anything less than I deserve or desire. I’d rather spend that time with my friends, my family and living every experience life gives me and being happy just being me.

And that makes me very doubtful about being in love and getting married… in this lifetime anyways... and I’m ok with that. This is a thought not too many people can accept; like an old, dear friend of mine (who is not my friend anymore, that’s completely related to this topic, but for another time) and I once argued over.

She is married and as I’ve learned today and what inspired this train of thought, she is with child. She and I had (and I’m 100% sure, still have) completely different views on love and marriage. She is one of the many people in this world that lets marriage define oneself. And I guess I shouldn’t judge her and the others that need marriage to feel happy and complete… as I hope they don’t judge me for being a strong independent woman, which makes me happy and complete.

We were sitting on her sister’s porch before one of her bachelorette parties or bridal showers, smoking cigars and drinking wine like we always used to do… and we started talking about this very subject and told her exactly what I just told you. I can’t see your face, but she was not as accepting of what I had to say. She swore and wanted to me to confess that everything I said was a lie and that I did want to be married and that I did want kids because obviously, that was so important to her life’s worth. And the best analogy I can give for this situation is something my high school on again/off again boyfriend for 10 plus years once told me and perhaps the best thing he ever said to me…. wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up the fastest.  Of course at the time he said this to me, I wasn’t as rational and wise as I am now but in hindsight, it was some pretty good advice. Jeez, I hope he’s not reading this. I never admitted he was right on anything even though I knew he was.

Do I want to have a life companion to love and who loves me back and all that fluffy romantic crap… yes. Love is one of the best feelings in the world…. notice I didn’t say the best though.  But do I think it’s going to happen to me… no and I don’t think that makes me a spinster, although I do often humorously refer to myself as one.  Hey, people like to pigeon hole you into categories and stereotypes, so they know how to treat you… so I suppose for all intents and purposes, yes… I am a spinster. Thank you Bridgett Jones.

But I have the most awesome friends, a close knit loving family, a great job, a super cute apartment and overall a great life. I’ve been lucky enough to see some amazing places and meet some amazing people in my life… and I would not change one single thing that has happened or not happened to me in my almost 33 years of life. It’s all made me who I am and frankly, I’m a pretty cool chick for being such a dork.

Do I get lonely? Sure, doesn’t everyone once in awhile, spinsters are humans too. If you prick us, we will bleed. But I could be in a room filled with people and I’d still feel lonely. It’s not who you surround yourself with, its how you feel surrounded by others. And honestly, crowds make me nervous. People I don’t know make me nervous. It’s not until you are around me for a long time, does my shell crack and you see my nutty, gooey center.

I guess my point in all this, is that I’m not going to let the idea of marriage or being indefinitely single define who I am… and I don’t think anyone should. I don’t think people get to know themselves as a person before they are already being someone else, like a wife/husband or a mother/father. You don’t know who you are until you is all you have and the only thing that defines who you are… is you.

I’m well into a bottle of wine sitting on the sofa with my stretchy pants on. I’m about to watch a sappy romantic chick flick, like every good spinster and probably cook some food and end up in a garlic induced food coma… and you know why I’m doing this? Because it’s Friday night, I’m single… and most of all… because I can.

“It was in the depths of winter, I found in me, an invincible summer.”