Monday, December 5, 2011

it ain't easy being green.

Dear Dan Gainor and Eric Bolling, 

First of all, I don’t know either of you and only heard your names for the first time today but I’m truly concerned for both of your sakes. Stupidity is a terrible illness. Are you taking any medications for this? It sounds like you have a really bad case but the good news is, it’s curable!

So, I took my 7-year old niece to see the Muppets… and you know what? She didn’t mention anything about how big and scary Tex Richmon was or how corporations seem bad. She’s a smart little cookie, but frankly, I don't even think she define what a corporations is. In fact, her main comment throughout the movie was about Miss Piggy. How she wanted to live a life a glitz and glamour and make her living singing and dancing... just like Miss Piggy, a strong independent pig.

Using your logic, I guess you'd have to say that the Muppets have a pro-swine agenda because Miss Piggy is one of the main characters and little girls would like to emulate her. Why was a pig cast the part of Miss Piggy? What about the other animals? Why didn’t Fozzy Bear get the part? Is it because he has fuzzy hair? Is it because he was a comedian? He should definitely sue for discrimination. This is America... and I smell a lawsuit coming. 

As far as your issue with the environment, to prove the media is green biased, why don't you financially back a film... about an endangered oil rig, that some tree hugging whale lovers are out to destroy, but if the oil rig stops drilling for oil, the oil company can’t sell oil and people can’t buy oil. *gasp*  Since the world won't know what to do without oil, everyone would turn into savages and eventually end the human race as we know it! 

You’d probably go broke because you would have invested all your money into your making a movie that nobody wanted to see. I mean nobody. Your wife will leave you… because since you lost all of your money, you are now preaching your conservative agenda on street corners for change. "The liberals will never take my freedom!"

Eventually, you'll be forced to beg for money on the streets along side a few fellow homeless folks because no one will listen to you anymore because your movie didn't make any money and since money talks in America, you are worthless. Oh, and since your other buddies (who shun you because they don't want to get 'poor' on them) ousted Obama and all the other socialists out of power, there are no government run programs to feed, clothe or shelter you, the less fortunate... so you eventually die a long and painful death by starvation, if the frostbite doesn't get you first.

You would have already lost custody of your kids by then.  Although scarred for life, they will somehow muster up enough courage to be able to watch the sequel to the movie you said will wash their brains out... "Ew! Are you going to use the same soap you used to wash my mouth out when I repeated that word you said when President Obama got elected? That was nasty, Daddy. I don't want to see the Muppets!...even though the movie is about old friends reuniting together to bring happiness and joy to me and other kids." *wahhh* "I'm scared!"*tear* "I want my Mommy!" *sniff*

But then again, maybe you are right. Kids will see right past such trivial lessons of hope and friendship and see right to the blasphemy of corporations. They will probably hate such a feel good movie that teaches us how to work together as a team, despite our differences, to get something accomplished. Psst. Why do kids need to be taught that anyways? I suppose it's just another meaningless lesson kids learn that doesn't really apply in the real world. 

Get well soon, 

Kermit for President!