Wednesday, September 23, 2015

everyone here, hates everyone here for doing just like they do.

In light of the misogynistic coffee scandal (if you are not in the know, just google Waking Life podcast) I have decided to not only stop blogging about my latest experiment into online dating, but to stop it all together. Although, I am by NO means comparing what I'm doing to what these jabroni's did, it just made me second guess my motives for doing it.

I have answered a few messages and I found myself being very short, sarcastic, aloof and felt like I was heading straight to Mega Bitch Town. From the get-go, I was hesitant, but said I was going to be open-minded about online dating even though it totally creeps me out. Well, it still makes me very uneasy and I'm not being as open-minded as I could be... and honestly, I don't want to be. I wish I could take it as flattery and have a fun, flirty time with it. But I don't and I'm not. It's just not how I am built. Although it's lovely this time of year, Mega Bitch Town is not a place I want to live.

I have written about how bored I am with these messages and how some of the screen names are ridiculous... but I would never publicly shame or exploit someone via my personal experience with them. I never would intentionally hurt someone's feelings... and I don't want to unintentionally do it either. I suppose me and my high expectations were just hoping for a bit more originality. For someone to stand up and prove me wrong. (Contrary to popular belief, I do sometimes like to be proven wrong. That means someone went the extra mile to knock down a wall and in the end will gain a lifetime of mad respect from me.)

I know there are some super cool dudes online dating... as I'm sure there are some real big douche-bags too. The thing is, I believe you are guilty until proven innocent. So it would have taken a pretty hefty effort to have changed my mind and I wasn't even giving these dudes a chance. I had already decided they lost the race before they were even outta the gate... and that's on me.

We all want to be special and to feel special. But how special can one feel, when you are receiving and sending messages to multiple people with the same intention... and sometimes with the exact same words. It's like aimlessly floating in a great big ocean fishing for something to bite. Will you catch the most spectacular fish you've ever seen or just an old tangled mess of garbage? Probably the tangled mess of garbage because your're using the same ole used up bait for all your fishing trips. Effort is minimal, therefore the reward will be minimal. (I think the "other fish in the sea" saying just finally made perfect sense to me.)

So this short, albeit entertaining, chapter has come to a close... and I'm so relieved. I've felt so exposed and anxious knowing that people are out there shopping for a potential mate and I was one of the many faces in their buggie. It's just all so disingenuous to me... or maybe I'm just full of shite and needed a justifiable reason to throw in the towel. (One of my besties is likely to argue this point - you know who you are!)

So yes, Netflix... Yes, I am still watching yet another episode of [insert show title here] - Please Continue... indefinitely.

Back 2 Good - Matchbox Twenty

PS: A sincere thank you to the 163 dudes that "liked" me and the 30 of you that took time out of your busy day to message me. I'm sure you are all great guys and best of luck in all your future endeavors. Except the one dude that was married, looking to have an affair - I hope your wiener falls off and your balls shrivel up into little raisins.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

a new fool in an old game.

It's official... I'm online dating. After carefully selecting my simple and sarcastic answers, deleting my profile and all my questions I had answered... [Caution! Rant Ahead! because you can't make certain changes once you set up an account. some things are private, some are public. I just didn't know who could read or see what!? So I just deleted my original profile and started over - this in itself almost made me throw in the towel. Why are so many people single? Maybe because your website sucks! End of Rant!]

...I debated between two pictures - one of me in Cusco with a baby sheep (you know, to show I'm sweet with an adventurous travel side) or one with me and two attractive friends. I chose the latter. Mainly because if I had these dudes guess which one I was and they were wrong... then I would send them directly to jail. They would not pass go, most certainly not collect $200 and that would be the end of them. Easy, Peasy. Lemon, Squeezy. So at 11:40pm, I posted the picture and just like that, I was finally circulating in the online dating pool. (hmmm, I feel kinda dirty now.)

The next morning at 8:45am, I logged in to see 53 visits, 54 likes and 10 messages. Pretty decent I thought having nothing to compare it to. (seriously though, my all-to-hesitant ego actually appreciated this.) My friend who is also single and online dating (who will now be referred to as "Stephanie" in all future posts) said that it's normal to be bombarded with people contacting you when you first get online. It's like they can smell the fresh, untainted meat over the interwebs and their loins race to be first at the trough. (uhhh, it just got a little dirtier up in here.)

I quickly read through the messages... and well, to say that I'm underwhelmed would be an understatement. I mean this whole scrolling through peoples faces is still creeping me out... and to know these dudes were "checking me out" is weird. I'm just not wired to receive compliments or attention. I have a touch of social anxiety and although, I'm not an introvert (I'm more of a shy extrovert - I read a book about it in college, ok?) this whole putting myself out there and talking to strangers is completely out of my comfort zone... which truth be told, is probably going to be good for me.

I will answer every single mundane message sometime this weekend with an open mind and witty sense of humor. (even to lvswomensfeet and i hate my feet being touched... EW!) If you don't hear from me in the coming week, don't send out a search party. I've just died of boredom via small talk. No worries though, I died where I was meant to - alone in my living room next to an empty bottle of wine... or two.

*Disclaimer: Male egos might be harmed in this process.

A New Fool In An Old Game - Reba McEntire

Saturday, September 12, 2015

friday never hesitate.

I wish I had a funny story to tell you (and I sincerely apologize if there is any disappointment) but there is absolutely nothing to report from the front lines of my little dating experiment. Instead of setting up my profile tonight, I chose to eat an entire package of salami with a side (bag) of chips {Disclaimer: they were 40% less fat* than regular chips... I mean, I'm putting in some effort}while watching Jeremy Renner, Bradley Cooper and Andrew Garfield on back-to-back episodes of the Late Late Show with James Corden.

If someone told that is what they did on their Friday Night, I would totally be jealous. Honestly, where do you go from there? Mtn420Lvr? Um... no thanks. I'll just die alone.

*so they say.

Friday I'm In Love - The Cure

Thursday, September 10, 2015

lookin' for love in too many faces.

So after years …and then some more years, I’ve finally given into peer pressure (what a bitch that can be) and have reluctantly joined an online dating site. This year, two of my best friends got married within two months of each other. Which might also have something to do with this decision. {Disclaimer #1: it's not like I'm now desperate for a relationship, it just means they will have less time for me. No hard feelings, I share in their happiness... it's just a fact of life.} No offense to anyone who is actively seeking or if you found your significant other online, but it’s just not for me… or maybe it wasn’t for me and now it is? Who knows? That’s what I’m about to find out and I’m going to document this journey every hilarious and I’m sure, very awkward step of the way.

This actually isn’t my first dip into the online dating pool. About a coon’s age ago, after a few glasses (bottle) of wine one night, one of my now newlywed best friends and I set up a profile so we could scroll through my options. Of the few guys we clicked on, the ONLY thing I found interesting and/or funny was when asked, “What is the last thing you read?” He answered, “The back of a cereal box.” That’s funny. We laughed a little bit, talked more about how there are way more decent and available woman than men on the dating scene. I drove home and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning, deleted the account and never looked back.

The most annoying thing about being single is when people ask you why you are single or are if you’re dating someone. Do I ask you why you are married or if you’re thinking of getting a divorce? Nope. So why do you care so much about my choices in life?  {Disclaimer #2: it may come across like I’m hating on marriage, and I’m not. I just don’t fully understand the attraction and concept behind it. The older I get and more divorces I see, the less I understand. I know a lot of happily married people.}

So instead of giving everyone who asks, the 500-page dissertation of my life, my answer is simply - I just haven't found someone. Not the one (because how boring would life be, if you only get to be in love with just one person in your life) - just someone who is worth it. I won't go into detail about my many great and attractive qualities - this isn't the dating site after all. But in a nutshell, I have my shit together and only have a small carry-on for baggage, which can be safely and securely stowed away during flight. I do what I want, when I want to do it. I can’t tell you how much I love and need that freedom. I'm not going to settle for some Joe Smoe (no offense Joe, I'm sure you're a nice guy. It's not you, it's me. Can we just be friends?) just because I'm almost 40 (yes, mother... it's almost here for realsies) or afraid of being alone, which I am not.

After staring at the computer screen last night for 30 minutes deciding on a screen name, I took the plunge and set up an account.  Scrolling through pictures of random people talking about themselves (alone and sober) just gave me the creepiest feeling. {Spoiler #1: I didn't find cereal box guy.} I'm attracted to people upon hearing something interesting about them from a mutual acquaintance or having some funny interaction with them... not some glamour shot and them talking about how [insert generic trait here] they are. Snooze-fest! So I texted my friends (two being the other newlyweds, the other being a online dating singleton like me) and was like, "Hey guys, what the hell am I doing? I just saw a guy whose screen name is eatscheese ...this is not for me." They still encouraged me to give it a shot. I thought maybe they didn't understand what I said... it's not like I wanted to eat cheese? But given my Celiac Disease and strict diet, I can see how they would think that. But I listened to them anyway and didn't delete my still non-existent profile (at press time, I still don't have a profile picture and haven't answered any questions) and went to sleep.

However, this time when I woke up, I said to myself, "Self. What do you have to lose really. This could be fun... and funny. You could run circles around these guys." {Disclaimer #3: because I think I'm funnier than most people I meet and sense of humor is numero uno on my list.} So here I sit on Day 2. I will begin to develop my profile in the next couple of days and keep you updated if Jocklife76's abs are worth the meaningless conversation. {Spoiler #2: they're not.}

Wish me luck!  ...and if I end up dead in ditch somewhere, be sure to thank my kick-ass friends. They only wanted what was best for me.

Lookin' For Love - Johnny Lee