Friday, January 20, 2012

shhh! don't say the 's' word.

I think some (ok, to be honest I think it’s more than some, I think it’s most) people let marriage define them, like they won some contest in life if they get married and have a family. But if you really think about it, it’s an illogical and fair fetched ideal.

In all the billions of people on earth, you expect me to believe that each person that gets married, finds “the one” person that is the ying to their yang. The odds are completely are against us. There are billions of people in the world… how do people think they will find the “one” in the same city as they live in or the same profession or the same college? I’m no statistician, but I can tell you the odds of that happening should be as likely as you winning the Power Ball… twice… in the same month.

But it’s not hard to see in the world we live in with 55 hour marriages to 72 day marriages to Tiger Woods and Jesse James cheating on their wives with hundreds of woman, that not everyone getting married is finding “the one.” So why are they getting married? Yeah, I know… I don’t know either?

Do I think there is someone for everyone… yes. Do I think that everyone is lucky enough to meet that someone in their lifetime… no. Do I think I’m one of those unlucky ones… yes. But the thing is, I don’t feel unlucky… it’s just not for me.

I have been single almost my entire adult life. So here I am after my latest failed romantic endeavor, back to square one, except a little wiser and a little more doubtful. Wiser because I finally have realized who I am… actually, I’ve known for longer than I would ever admit, but I suppose now, I’m finally ready to.

So the truth is, I’m too independent and stuck in my ways to ever succumb and settle for less than the “fairy tale” of a relationship that I have conjured up in my head all these years. I have standards and expectations… and I’d rather be alone than settle for anything less than I deserve or desire. I’d rather spend that time with my friends, my family and living every experience life gives me and being happy just being me.

And that makes me very doubtful about being in love and getting married… in this lifetime anyways... and I’m ok with that. This is a thought not too many people can accept; like an old, dear friend of mine (who is not my friend anymore, that’s completely related to this topic, but for another time) and I once argued over.

She is married and as I’ve learned today and what inspired this train of thought, she is with child. She and I had (and I’m 100% sure, still have) completely different views on love and marriage. She is one of the many people in this world that lets marriage define oneself. And I guess I shouldn’t judge her and the others that need marriage to feel happy and complete… as I hope they don’t judge me for being a strong independent woman, which makes me happy and complete.

We were sitting on her sister’s porch before one of her bachelorette parties or bridal showers, smoking cigars and drinking wine like we always used to do… and we started talking about this very subject and told her exactly what I just told you. I can’t see your face, but she was not as accepting of what I had to say. She swore and wanted to me to confess that everything I said was a lie and that I did want to be married and that I did want kids because obviously, that was so important to her life’s worth. And the best analogy I can give for this situation is something my high school on again/off again boyfriend for 10 plus years once told me and perhaps the best thing he ever said to me…. wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up the fastest.  Of course at the time he said this to me, I wasn’t as rational and wise as I am now but in hindsight, it was some pretty good advice. Jeez, I hope he’s not reading this. I never admitted he was right on anything even though I knew he was.

Do I want to have a life companion to love and who loves me back and all that fluffy romantic crap… yes. Love is one of the best feelings in the world…. notice I didn’t say the best though.  But do I think it’s going to happen to me… no and I don’t think that makes me a spinster, although I do often humorously refer to myself as one.  Hey, people like to pigeon hole you into categories and stereotypes, so they know how to treat you… so I suppose for all intents and purposes, yes… I am a spinster. Thank you Bridgett Jones.

But I have the most awesome friends, a close knit loving family, a great job, a super cute apartment and overall a great life. I’ve been lucky enough to see some amazing places and meet some amazing people in my life… and I would not change one single thing that has happened or not happened to me in my almost 33 years of life. It’s all made me who I am and frankly, I’m a pretty cool chick for being such a dork.

Do I get lonely? Sure, doesn’t everyone once in awhile, spinsters are humans too. If you prick us, we will bleed. But I could be in a room filled with people and I’d still feel lonely. It’s not who you surround yourself with, its how you feel surrounded by others. And honestly, crowds make me nervous. People I don’t know make me nervous. It’s not until you are around me for a long time, does my shell crack and you see my nutty, gooey center.

I guess my point in all this, is that I’m not going to let the idea of marriage or being indefinitely single define who I am… and I don’t think anyone should. I don’t think people get to know themselves as a person before they are already being someone else, like a wife/husband or a mother/father. You don’t know who you are until you is all you have and the only thing that defines who you are… is you.

I’m well into a bottle of wine sitting on the sofa with my stretchy pants on. I’m about to watch a sappy romantic chick flick, like every good spinster and probably cook some food and end up in a garlic induced food coma… and you know why I’m doing this? Because it’s Friday night, I’m single… and most of all… because I can.

“It was in the depths of winter, I found in me, an invincible summer.”