Thursday, September 10, 2015

lookin' for love in too many faces.

So after years …and then some more years, I’ve finally given into peer pressure (what a bitch that can be) and have reluctantly joined an online dating site. This year, two of my best friends got married within two months of each other. Which might also have something to do with this decision. {Disclaimer #1: it's not like I'm now desperate for a relationship, it just means they will have less time for me. No hard feelings, I share in their happiness... it's just a fact of life.} No offense to anyone who is actively seeking or if you found your significant other online, but it’s just not for me… or maybe it wasn’t for me and now it is? Who knows? That’s what I’m about to find out and I’m going to document this journey every hilarious and I’m sure, very awkward step of the way.

This actually isn’t my first dip into the online dating pool. About a coon’s age ago, after a few glasses (bottle) of wine one night, one of my now newlywed best friends and I set up a profile so we could scroll through my options. Of the few guys we clicked on, the ONLY thing I found interesting and/or funny was when asked, “What is the last thing you read?” He answered, “The back of a cereal box.” That’s funny. We laughed a little bit, talked more about how there are way more decent and available woman than men on the dating scene. I drove home and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning, deleted the account and never looked back.

The most annoying thing about being single is when people ask you why you are single or are if you’re dating someone. Do I ask you why you are married or if you’re thinking of getting a divorce? Nope. So why do you care so much about my choices in life?  {Disclaimer #2: it may come across like I’m hating on marriage, and I’m not. I just don’t fully understand the attraction and concept behind it. The older I get and more divorces I see, the less I understand. I know a lot of happily married people.}

So instead of giving everyone who asks, the 500-page dissertation of my life, my answer is simply - I just haven't found someone. Not the one (because how boring would life be, if you only get to be in love with just one person in your life) - just someone who is worth it. I won't go into detail about my many great and attractive qualities - this isn't the dating site after all. But in a nutshell, I have my shit together and only have a small carry-on for baggage, which can be safely and securely stowed away during flight. I do what I want, when I want to do it. I can’t tell you how much I love and need that freedom. I'm not going to settle for some Joe Smoe (no offense Joe, I'm sure you're a nice guy. It's not you, it's me. Can we just be friends?) just because I'm almost 40 (yes, mother... it's almost here for realsies) or afraid of being alone, which I am not.

After staring at the computer screen last night for 30 minutes deciding on a screen name, I took the plunge and set up an account.  Scrolling through pictures of random people talking about themselves (alone and sober) just gave me the creepiest feeling. {Spoiler #1: I didn't find cereal box guy.} I'm attracted to people upon hearing something interesting about them from a mutual acquaintance or having some funny interaction with them... not some glamour shot and them talking about how [insert generic trait here] they are. Snooze-fest! So I texted my friends (two being the other newlyweds, the other being a online dating singleton like me) and was like, "Hey guys, what the hell am I doing? I just saw a guy whose screen name is eatscheese ...this is not for me." They still encouraged me to give it a shot. I thought maybe they didn't understand what I said... it's not like I wanted to eat cheese? But given my Celiac Disease and strict diet, I can see how they would think that. But I listened to them anyway and didn't delete my still non-existent profile (at press time, I still don't have a profile picture and haven't answered any questions) and went to sleep.

However, this time when I woke up, I said to myself, "Self. What do you have to lose really. This could be fun... and funny. You could run circles around these guys." {Disclaimer #3: because I think I'm funnier than most people I meet and sense of humor is numero uno on my list.} So here I sit on Day 2. I will begin to develop my profile in the next couple of days and keep you updated if Jocklife76's abs are worth the meaningless conversation. {Spoiler #2: they're not.}

Wish me luck!  ...and if I end up dead in ditch somewhere, be sure to thank my kick-ass friends. They only wanted what was best for me.

Lookin' For Love - Johnny Lee